Being induced tomorrow.

And I feel like the most terrible mother in the world.

I’m sure it’s just hormones and silliness, but I feel like I am betraying my beautiful, smart, and completely unaware daughter. N is almost 27 months old now and I’ve had her for that long.

There have been 27 months with laughing, crying, potty training, learning, and sleepless nights and I just don’t know how I’m going to handle two perfect little girls.

Will I love this new baby the same way? Will N hate me for bringing home another baby? Will she think I’m replacing her?

I hope not. Because I know she will be the best big sister in the world. She will boss around her little sister and share with her and teach her and sing songs to her and more. And my heart will nearly explode watching her be a big sister. I just can’t imagine right now that in two days, our second daughter will be here.

I suppose tons of mothers go through this stage. I’ve asked enough of them to be reassured.

And how do you even have the love capacity for more children? I used to think that the amount of love a person has is definite. That you give so much love per person and can continue to love those that are gone. But it only goes so far, that’s why people fade out of our lives and our minds. When we think of that red hot burning love from a few years ago, it’s barely a flicker.

But I think having children is different. It produces more love. Love that makes you crazy with worry that you’re doing something wrong. That these little people are completely in your hands. The clumsy hands that have ripped papers, and smeared ink, and ruined relationships are being entrusted to you.

And God chose ME to have babies? I can barely keep my life together as it is and Heavenly Father’s like “You got this. Have another!” I don’t know if I will shatter under the pressure or stay resilient. I hope I stay strong for my daughters.

I have daughters. How crazy is that sentence?

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