Being induced tomorrow.

And I feel like the most terrible mother in the world.

I’m sure it’s just hormones and silliness, but I feel like I am betraying my beautiful, smart, and completely unaware daughter. N is almost 27 months old now and I’ve had her for that long.

There have been 27 months with laughing, crying, potty training, learning, and sleepless nights and I just don’t know how I’m going to handle two perfect little girls.

Will I love this new baby the same way? Will N hate me for bringing home another baby? Will she think I’m replacing her?

I hope not. Because I know she will be the best big sister in the world. She will boss around her little sister and share with her and teach her and sing songs to her and more. And my heart will nearly explode watching her be a big sister. I just can’t imagine right now that in two days, our second daughter will be here.

I suppose tons of mothers go through this stage. I’ve asked enough of them to be reassured.

And how do you even have the love capacity for more children? I used to think that the amount of love a person has is definite. That you give so much love per person and can continue to love those that are gone. But it only goes so far, that’s why people fade out of our lives and our minds. When we think of that red hot burning love from a few years ago, it’s barely a flicker.

But I think having children is different. It produces more love. Love that makes you crazy with worry that you’re doing something wrong. That these little people are completely in your hands. The clumsy hands that have ripped papers, and smeared ink, and ruined relationships are being entrusted to you.

And God chose ME to have babies? I can barely keep my life together as it is and Heavenly Father’s like “You got this. Have another!” I don’t know if I will shatter under the pressure or stay resilient. I hope I stay strong for my daughters.

I have daughters. How crazy is that sentence?

Buy Nots For Baby!

As a first time mother, I was assaulted with information, advice, and advertising that I bought way too much stuff for my daughter. Now N is a very active, bright, cheerful, and interactive baby. I know many of you will disagree, but that’s okay. These are things that did and didn’t work with my baby. Some of the things I purchased could be great for my future children but these are my Buys and Buy Nots for a first baby.

Buy Nots!

Baby Bath Tub – Honestly, I used this thing like maybe three times until I just got fed up with it and started plopping her in the bath with me. I found that sharing bath time with N was so rewarding and helped reinforce her bedtime routine. The baby bath tub took up a ton of space and for some reason, N loved going #2 in it. Not once has she gone #2 while in the bathtub with me.

Baby Gym – I actually bought two of these. One for travel and one for home. N hated both of them. More so, once she figured out it was a toy to distract her so mommy could clean the kitchen, she hated them. N enjoys playing with the toys once you take them off, but the actual mats just stayed folded up behind my recliner. My sister-in-laws kids love them, but N just doesn’t.

Baby Towels and Wash Rags– Super cute, but just take up space. I live in a small apartment and purchasing things just to add to the never ending laundry pile seems, in hindsight, silly. (I might also mention I received a TON of these towels as baby shower gifts.) Also, just because a rag is a pastel color, doesn’t mean it works better on babies.

Baby Food Maker–  I bought this with the best intentions of making my baby’s food. And I did for a while and something I discovered was that I could have just used my Oster blender that we got as a wedding present. Just because something is smaller, doesn’t mean that it is better for baby. Thank goodness I bought it used!

Boppy –  I am still breastfeeding and I can say that I never liked this. N never liked this. Neither of us were very happy with it. We tried using it as a tummy time ring but N was too active for it and always wiggled out of it. It never fit me right and didn’t give N the right angle to latch. I happy for those that are happy with it, but I never was. Before buying one, find a friend who has one and ask to borrow it to see if it works for you.

So there is my list of Buy Nots for Baby. I hope I helped you make some decisions! I’ve learned before I mkae a purchase to ask around and see if I can borrow or try out someones items. I also normally buy my items second hand. It’s just so much cheaper!

What was your worst baby purchase?